Wanna Get Ficced?

The Daily Mail wondered the following: What happened to the chubby one? The cast of Stand By Me reunite, 25 years after filming iconic movie

There is only one response to this:

REALLY?

Let's run down the cast:

Jerry O'Connell
Corey Feldman
Wil Wheaton
River Phoenix

And Keifer Sutherland, but ignore him, because the article did.

Look, "news sources," the "where are they now" shtick only works if the actors in questions AREN'T KNOWN ANYMORE.

But that is not even the funniest (worst) part of the article. That honor goes to these lines:

Noticeable by his absence was River Phoenix, for whom fame came at a high price.

Arguably the most promising of the young stars, he died of a drug overdose on the sidewalk outside an LA nightclub at the age of just 23 in 1993.

Much has changed for his fellow child stars.

Really? It's NOTICEABLE River Phoenix wasn't at the blu-ray release? Because he's been dead for EIGHTEEN YEARS?! My god, Mail, what other secrets will you reveal? The way you write it, it's like he's had a recent falling out with his fellow cast mates over royalties or a tell-all book. Not, you know, DEAD FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Ladies and gents, I believe a slow clap is in order.

::slow clap::

I give you the "Aristocrats" joke I promised. Should you have forgotten what one is, I suggest Wikipedia. I am not linking you this time because I linked you last time. So there.

Quick note: the joke opens with a character grinning. That's because this is 2300 words from my 2005 NaNo novel. In case you were wondering what I'd do to meet word count.

( Warning: Sheer awfulness ahead )

[The Husband comes out of the shower as I am literally squeeing over the preview pages of "Emerald Warriors" that were posted to guy_kyle

ME: "Emerald Warrior preview pages are up!"
HIM: "Huh?"
ME: "Emerald Warrior preview pages are up!"
HIM: o.O ... "What's that?"
ME: "...What?"
HIM: "What are you talking about?"
ME: "Emerald Warriors."
HIM: "Which is?"
ME: "Seriously?!"
HIM: "Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about."
ME: "EMERALD WARRIORS. Comic. Talking about it for SIX MONTHS."
HIM: "So, is it, like, superheroes?"
ME: "It's GUY."
HIM: "Guy?"
ME: o.O ... o.O ... "Seriously, are you fucking with me?"
HIM: "What?"
ME: "Are you fucking with me? Are you just saying shit to make me look at you funny?"
HIM: "Honey, I sincerely have no idea what you're talking about."
ME: "GUY GARDNER'S COMIC BOOK."
HIM: "Doesn't he already have a book?"
ME: "You ARE fucking with me!"
HIM: "No! I'm not! He has a comic! I know he has a comic!"
ME: "No, he's IN a comic. Emerald Warriors is going to be HIS book."
HIM: "Huh?"
ME: "Oh, dear fucking Christ."
HIM: "What?"
ME: "Never mind."
HIM: "No. What?! Explain it to me!"
ME: "Guy Gardner is getting his own book. As a Green Lantern. Written by Tomasi."
HIM: "Who's Tomasi?"
ME: "Just...Go put your pants on."

So, yeah. My Husband, the wonderful man that he is, who listens to me talk Lanterns on a WEEKLY basis (at LEAST), has apparently blanked out EVERYTHING I've said about EW since I first (and this is true) pumped my fist in the air and screamed, "HELL YES YOU ARE" when it was announced Guy was going to headline a book.

Slow clap, anyone?

(Also, let it be known that the preview pages made me HAPPY. Oh, hell, YES my lantern is getting his own book.)

THE FUCK.

...

SERIOUSLY. THE FUCK.

Stupid, stupid plot twist.

...

I mean, SERIOUSLY.

They're built in pairs and are in love, but if they're near each other they don't have powers, but then if they leave each other, they do have powers, but if they get close again they start to lose them. And they can feel each other when bad things happen and Hancock is just-super-enough in the hospital that he can walk through walls and get hit in the face with an oxygen tank without being hurt, but he can be stabbed in the back.

And every time he and the chick get close to each other, someone tries to kill her. And he doesn't really remember her and doesn't like her all that much until she tells him the sob story of their EPIC DOOMED ROMANCE and then she dies (fridge lands on her) (not really--comic book reference), and then he kills himself so she can live. Even though he didn't really know her and only has her word on their relationship because he doesn't remember it.

Except he doesn't die and draws a giant heart on the moon instead of, oh, I don't know, FLYING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH RATHER THAN MAKING US THINK HE'D KILLED HIMSELF FOR LOVE.

LAME.

I have a copy of Bon Jovi's album, "Crush". I've had the album, in some form or another, since my senior year of high school. I was listening to it today, and I was listening to "Just Older".

"Wow, this would be a great first track for a Jack McCoy fanmix."
>.>
<.<
"THE HELL."

I have never done a fanmix. I have no idea where this sudden idea has come from. It is very strange.

[And Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" would be on it, too. ]

::facepalm::

EDIT: And "I Wanna Be Like You" from the "Jungle Book" would be the perfect Jack/Mike song.

::facepalm again::