Wanna Get Ficced?

The Daily Mail wondered the following: What happened to the chubby one? The cast of Stand By Me reunite, 25 years after filming iconic movie

There is only one response to this:

REALLY?

Let's run down the cast:

Jerry O'Connell
Corey Feldman
Wil Wheaton
River Phoenix

And Keifer Sutherland, but ignore him, because the article did.

Look, "news sources," the "where are they now" shtick only works if the actors in questions AREN'T KNOWN ANYMORE.

But that is not even the funniest (worst) part of the article. That honor goes to these lines:

Noticeable by his absence was River Phoenix, for whom fame came at a high price.

Arguably the most promising of the young stars, he died of a drug overdose on the sidewalk outside an LA nightclub at the age of just 23 in 1993.

Much has changed for his fellow child stars.

Really? It's NOTICEABLE River Phoenix wasn't at the blu-ray release? Because he's been dead for EIGHTEEN YEARS?! My god, Mail, what other secrets will you reveal? The way you write it, it's like he's had a recent falling out with his fellow cast mates over royalties or a tell-all book. Not, you know, DEAD FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Ladies and gents, I believe a slow clap is in order.

::slow clap::